Based on a true story of three friends and how a piece of news had serious consequences on their friendship. Names of the characters have been changed to protect the individuals. Only some minor modifications have been made.
Andy, Becky and Carl have been best of friends for a very long time. They’ve known each other since secondary school and their friendship has only become stronger year after year. The year 2010 would have marked the fourteenth year they have known each other.
On a fine Tuesday afternoon, Andy asked Becky out for lunch and confided in her, sharing with her one secret that he has kept from the group for a couple of years now. Andy was gay. He explained that he had been keeping it from them as he wasn’t sure how they would react to the news of his sexual orientation. At that moment, he felt that he was ready to share the news with Becky as he felt that she would be more open to it and will continue accepting him for who he is. However, he urged Becky not to tell Carl and she agreed. They both knew that Carl would not be so accepting of this piece of news that their dear friend was a homosexual.
However, Carl found out this little secret in the worst possible way. Carl coincidentally bumped into Andy on the bus on his way home from work. Andy and his partner were holding hands. When Carl saw this, he alighted the bus immediately at the next stop, refusing to listen to any explanation from Andy. Andy tried to contact Carl that night but was unsuccessful. Andy then called Becky and explained to her what had happened.
The week after, Becky successfully arranged a meeting with Carl, without Carl knowing that Andy would be there as well. Andy and Becky thought it would be a good opportunity for him to honestly tell Carl of his secret. When Carl turned up and saw Andy, he flared up. He was upset that he was the last to know of this, but he was even more enraged to know that his friend whom he has known for so many years, turned out to be gay. He started hurling words of abuse at Andy, expressing how disappointed he was at Andy. Becky tried to explain the situation but she was also told off.
Andy then stood up to Carl, telling him it was a choice he made and left the table. Carl shouted towards Andy, ‘If you were to turn your back on this table, do not ever consider us friends anymore.’ Andy stopped in his tracks, turned slightly to face them, and say goodbye. With a look of sadness on his face, Andy turned away and left the two.
Becky tried to explain in hope to resolve the heated atmosphere. However, before she could finish, she was interrupted by Carl. Being utterly disappointed in Becky for her support for Andy’s actions, Carl also threatened to end their friendship there and then.
Becky was caught there. She valued the friendship she had with Andy and she knows that he needed all the support he could get at this point of time. But at the same time, she didn’t want the friendship with Carl to break just like that.
If you were in her shoes, what would you do?
Dear Nicole,
ReplyDeleteIf I were Becky,I will not arrange for another meetup for the two of them. I will give them buffer time to cool off. Meanwhile, I will maintain my friendship with Andy and Carl - separately. I will not mention anything about Andy to Carl or anything about Carl to Andy.
After a period of time when things have seemed to cool off, I will try to talk sense into Carl. I want to let Carl know that I cherish this friendship the three of us share and I am sure he doesn't wish to see this frienship sour as well. I will try my best to convince Carl that Andy has his own struggles and being homosexual is not something he can avoid.
Only when Carl has finally accepted the fact that Andy is homosexual, and when Andy is ready to meet up with Carl for a drink again, I will arrange for three of us to gather. This time, I guess maybe I won't take the direct approach of "sitting down and talking things out". I will choose a place where the three of us have had great times together or have done something memorable together. If it is a rollercoaster ride, then this would be a second ride on the same rollercoaster where this friendship started or started to bloom.
If I were Becky, I would refrain from bringing up Andy in my conversation with Carl so as not to further antagonize him. If, however, Carl choses to raise the matter, I feel that the best possible solution would be to allow him to speak his peace.
ReplyDeleteIt is evident that Carl needs time to calm down before he will be receptive to accepting Andy for who he is. This time varies for different people. For some, it might take weeks, for others,months. When I sense that it is the right moment (do note that this takes emotional sensitivity), I will begin to ask probing questions about Carl's feelings towards Andy. In addition, leading questions might be useful in helping Carl see things from Andy's perspective. For example, instead of telling Carl to accept Andy simply on the fact that they have been friends for so long, I would ask him if he values the friendship and slowly lead him to see that it is such a pity for this friendship to end. The important thing is to persuade Carl to that conclusion and not to force it on him.
As Becky, I would definitely do my best to be the mediator. This takes a great deal of emotional sensitivity and tact. If the 3 friends can work through this conflict, they will most certainly emerge as stronger friends.
Dear Nicole,
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is that Carl feels betrayed by two of his closest friends. He must have had a lot of trust in the both of them. I feel it would be good to talk to Carl and get his perspectives on Becky, the friendship, and on Andy. It’s only then will Becky be able to know where the friendship is heading. In doing so, if Carl has any misconceptions about Becky and Andy, they could be ironed out. Such a conversation though could only be done when Carl has cooled down and is willing to talk.
Just my opinions. I hope they help.
The key issue is whether Carl is angry because Andy kept his sexual orientation from him or because he cannot accept the fact that Andy is homosexual. Becky should try to ascertain this by talking to Carl alone.
ReplyDeleteIf it is the former, Becky can try to talk to Carl individually to explain why she thinks Andy kept the secret from the both of them for such a long time. If it is the latter, she should let Carl sort out his own thoughts and maybe talk to him eventually when he seems more receptive.
Dear Nicole,
ReplyDeleteIt is unfortunate that Carl is unable to accept Andy's sexual orientation. However, Carl should be given some time to cool off before being brought to meet Andy.
I would opt for using a white lie to solve this problem. As Becky, I would act as if Andy just called me to tell me about the situation as well as confide with me about his homosexuality. Subsequently, I will call Carl up and talk to him about Andy and try to cool him down while at it. Although this is lying, in my opinion, it is a white lie. I feel that it would be easier to convince Carl to accept Andy when I act as if I have just known the truth about Andy. Only when I am sure that Carl no longer has any negative feelings regarding Andy, I will arrange a meetup.
Hi Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI would let things be for a bit. As the quote goes -
'Some things just take time. 9 women can't make a baby in a month'
Aside from that, I also feel she will need to give this issue a break for her sanity and explain to both Carl and Andy(separately) that she can't deal with the stress and would like to stay friends. Most importantly, she will have to accept the fact that they will not be friends and she might have to lose one of them.
And once she is mentally prepared, she will have to wait to hear about what they say. Every relationship is a two person game after all.
Oh my. Oh my.
ReplyDeleteYou describe this scenario beautifully, Nicole. You give a clear, concise description of the main players and their lengthy friendship, and you then develop the plot with a fiction writer's finesse. Well done! I also see that you've received lots of fruitful feedback.
Thank you for sharing this with us!